Tuesday, January 04, 2005

On fitness celebrity

Since I didn't run this morning, I had the opportunity to watch the news as I lollygagged my way toward getting ready for work.

As a frequent TV-watcher (please, dear reader, try to mask your surprise), I have had ample opportunities to observe this man, Fitness Celebrity John Basedow, flexing before a wall of fire, his abs glistening with (hopefully non-flammable) oil, his pecs looking as though they were chiseled from booth-tanned marble by Michelangelo himself, his dessicated head, looking as though it is drained of all moisture, sitting atop it all, with eyes, in a steely stare, hardened from hours, no, aeons, spent in the gym.

His body, grafted from the DnA of Hans AND Franz, says "I am perfection. Come and worship."
But the eyes tell a different story.
"No, you don't want to know what I know," they say. "We have seen too much."

It makes me wonder just how one becomes a fitness celebrity. Are there fitness celebrity fan magazines, underground versions of Us Weekly that peddle paparazzi pictorials of pectoral piccadillioes?

Do fitness celebrities have their own awards?

Imagine the fitties: Where Suzanne Powter, Tony Little, that psycho guy in tights with the pony-tail and headset, Jane Fonda, Mr. Basedow and Billy Blanks, and Jake, of Body by Jake, tumble down the blue mat to an awards show hosted by Richard Simmons, as flashbulbs capture the latest in unitard style?

Maybe someday I can be a fitness celebrity, if I just buy Basedow's tape.

He promises to make fitness simple. Just one half hour a day, he says, will transform us into Greco-Roman gods faster than you can say Bay Area Laboratory Cooperative, without either the cream or the clear. Well, I'm not sure I buy it. I'm calling shenanigans on the fitness celebrities of the world.

I've been to the basement with Billy Blanks. On a cold Minnesota afternoon, I did the Tae-Bo torture. Punching the air for 45 minutes never gave anyone a body like Billy Blanks. And I doubt John Basedow, fitness celebrity or not, got his six-pack abs by watching his videos.

I'll let my DVD player take care of the entertainment and my legs take care of the running, thank you.

See ya on the treadmill tonight.

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